"I spank you because I love you, I love you that's why I spank you"

Parenting has been one of the most controversial topics in our nation, the lack of parenting in our society has caused it to become a social problem.

I believe that true parenting comes from the heart. There is no book that will tell you how much doses of love you are to give to children depending on their age, behavior, cognitive development or economic status.

As Latter-day Saints we believe that "All people who come to this earth and are born in mortality had a pre-exisitng, spiritual personality as the sons and daughters of the Eternal Father." (Joseph F. Smith)

Beyond Spiritual personality influences, a growing body of evidence suggest that biological characteristics play a role in children's disposition and temperaments in ways that interact wiht environmental influences.

Rearing Children in love and Righteousness

• Righteous parenting- charity, gentleness, kindness, long-suffering, persuasion and appropriate discipline in a warm and nurturing relationship.

Parenting Styles:

• Coercive parenting- parents deride, demean, and diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down or mocking them, even holding power over them. the home environment is hostile, it is often a place where frequent spanking, yelling, criticizing and forcing occurs. this is linked to  being anti-social, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors. these children have known that through hitting and physical harm you get the actions you desire, they most frequently will become abusive parents and husbands.
• permissive parenting- parents over-indulge their children, they neglect them by leaving them to their own devices. Children are considered equal to parents in their rights but not in terms of responsibility. these parents tend to avoid using their authority to control the behavior of their children. They give their children to much liberty without helping them or giving them advice. They keep at low, demands, responsabilities  and restrictions. They don't establish patterns of meal times, bedtimes, play and homework times. it has been shown that these children will have a difficult time respecting others, coping with dificulties. They have lower rates of depression, and anxiety as compared with coercive parents but they tend to do lower academically. 
• Authoritative parenting- THIS IS THE BEST TYPE OF PARENTING. They try to establish limits with the children but also provide much love. they do place restrictions on their children's actions to teach them responsability. They look for every opportunity to teach their children. The foster a positive emotional connection with each of their children. These children do better in school, they are less aggressive, less likely to engage in premarital relations, drugs and alcohol. They are more self controlled. 
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Marriage Preparation

So after learning about family and it's importance to our Heavenly Father and after discussing the benefits of marriage vs cohabitation not only for society but for the individual as well.

So the question is this... How do we prepare for marriage and why is it important to prepare for marriage?

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that through the right authority in the proper place (temple) we can be married not just until death do you part but for eternity. Because of this, our families can be "Perpetuated beyond the grave."

Even though the divorce rate keeps rising, doesn't mean that our decision to take the next step with that special someone is wrong. there might be fears about not finding the right one or feelings of inadequacy  but one important thing to remember is this when you have faith you don't fear, but if you fear then you must not have faith. You must have faith even in marriage and in yourself.

I've always heard that we must not worry about marrying the right person, we must worry about becoming the right person.

The following comes from the talk, Becoming a Quality Person Now by Marvin J. Ashton
As you strive to become a quality person, commune daily with your Heavenly Father who knows you best of all. He knows your talents, your strengths, and your weaknesses. You are here on the earth at this time to develop and refine these characteristics. I promise you He will help you. He is aware of your needs.

• The right person for you to marry is someone from whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.
• qualities besides good looks a potential spouse should have: kindly understanding, forgiving of others, willing to give of self, willing to have a family and to teach them in the home correct principles. (with these qualities, it is important to not only demand them of the other person but we should depend them of ourselves. we tend to attract those who are more like us, if we develop and practice these qualities then we will most likely attract those with the same qualities.

Here are some red flags of immature love. We must all be aware of these characteristics so that we don't fall into a relationship that could potentially hurt and disappoint us.

Aspects of Love	Immature Love	Mature Love
Emotional part of Love	Possessive Jealousy Infatuation Preoccupation Anxiety	Lasting Passion Desire for Companionship Warm Feeling of Contentment
Belief part of Love	“Love is Bling” “Love is external to us” “Cupid’s arrow” Love is beyond our control	Love is something you have to decide. Love means commitment, Trust, Sharing, Sacrifice
Behavior Part of love	Selfish Lustful  Concern only for satisfying own needs Clinging Over-dependent Demanding obedience from partner	Creates an environment of growth and development. Allows Partner space for growth.

Dating vs Hanging out:

Knowledgeable observers report that dating has nearly disappeared from college campuses and among young adults generally. It has been replaced by something called “hanging out.” ³ You young people apparently know what this is, but I will describe it for the benefit of those of us who are middle-aged or older and otherwise uninformed. Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating.

For the benefit of some of you who are not middle-aged or older, I also may need to describe what dating is. Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.

 

According to Dallin H Oaks the following are contributing to the extinction of DATING in our society.

1. The cultural ties in our world run strongly agains commitments in family relationships. Our society is making it easier for marriages to end, having children is less common and when it does happen less children are being born. Dating on the contrary comes with commitment, even if it's just a couple of hours or however long the date last. Hanging out allows that pressure to be gone, there is no commitment in hanging out, you are only responsible for your well-being and your enjoyment.
2. The women's movement has also discouraged dating. Women are putting themselves, their careers, their lives before that of marriage and family life.
3. Hanging out is often sold on t.v as something glamorous and something everyone should desire, "the NYC lifestyle" is one of parties and social gatherings, it's a commitment free lifestyle (at least when it comes to romance and dating.)
4. The meaning of a date has also changed. So much that now men believe that dates should be expensive, impressive and out of this world. For those young me who don't have the means of such luxuries, they believe their simple, but yet well thought out dates are meaningless and no one would give them a chance. 

(Dating Versus Hanging out, Oaks) 

The Case for Marriage

'....and they lived Happily Ever After"

Have you ever noticed that most Disney stories end with the prince and princess getting married and THEN living happily together? They never just live it at them moving in together and living happily ever after, they get married FIRST. 

So my question to you dear reader is this: Why should we get married? 

Dennis Prager put on a wonderful seminar at prageruniversity.com watch this and then we can discuss it.

In it he talked about there being many reasons why we should marry one very important one being the maturity that comes out of it. Sure sure you are probably thinking well I'm mature thank you very much but in reality there are different degrees of maturity, one will never be as mature as the one who has the responsibility of providing for the family, being faithful to your wife, providing for the emotional well being of your children and your wife, the responsibility that comes with teaching as a parent and supporting your wife in the things that she like to do and vice versa.

He then mentions the desire we all have to want to send our lives with someone or a serious of someones. The deepest relationship is that of a Husband and Wife.

It's just a piece of paper....?! If it's just a piece of paper then why don't you sign it? Because there is a very big difference between the words boyfriend-husband/girlfriend-wife. Lets face it when you deiced to marry, it is a full time responsibility. but SOCIETY needs marriage.

There are two main reasons why Marriage is so important, not only to society and our families but to Heavenly Father.

1- Men and Women complement each other- we need each other to progress not only in this life but to make it to the next.

2- Men and Women are to have children. It is only though the union of a man and of a woman that children can come into this world the way Heavenly Father has commanded. See Here  

Now here are some statistics about how marriage benefits us not only in a religious way but in a more physical and emotional manner as well. 

• married adults are clearly more healthy than there non-married counterparts.
• a man or woman's married status at 48 strongly predicts if they will live to age 65, with those not married more likely to die prematurely.
• a stable marriage corresponds with with happiness, health, prosperity, and the well-being of posterity and communities. 
• married people also recover better from illness and surgery.
• statistics show that married people are generally happier, with greater life satisfaction, lover risk for depression and greater economic stability which all contribute to better mental health.

(Successful Marriage and Families, p71)

Now I would like to talk about foundational processes for an enduring marriage (Hawkins, ch 3)

• Love and Marriage-  we must not assume that our spouse know that we love them. We must always show them and tell them how much we love them and how much they mean to us. When you truly love some one it takes more than a feeling, it takes agency and personal choice, you have to choose to love them regardless of their imperfections. C.S Lewis taught "Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have this love for each other even at theses moments when they do not like each other... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. Lynn G. Robbins also mentioned "...make the conciseness decision that we will love...each other... that we will build, not "fall into," strong, loving marriages and families.

          Happy marriages are based in a deep friendship... a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company.(Gottman and Silver) when a relationship begins with friendship and then moves to romance followed by marriage, that marriage will be enduring and an eternal friendship. 

I once heard a quote, I'm not sure by who but it said " You don't marry him because your love him, You marry him because he is your best friend."

• Nurturing Love and Friendship- It is our unselfish duty to find our how our partner likes to receive love and then do so. Have you ever heard about the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES? This is basically what they five love languages are: Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Learn more at 5lovelanguages. Gottman and Silver us as couples to have love maps. "A love map is like a mental notebook where we collect personal information about our spouse that we want to remember. This notebook includes the spouse's dreams, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations and worries. Talk as Friends-  It's important to talk with your partner about something other than the children and issues in your life. Make sure to make it a priority to spend time talking about each other's interest, look them in the eye, show them that you are really interested in what they have to say. Set goals for couple interaction-  MAKE SURE TO RESPOND TO BIDS FOR ATTENTION, AFFECTION AND HUMOR OR SUPPORT. MAKE AN EFFORT TO DO EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES TOGETHER. HAVE STRESS-REDUCING CONVERSATIONS AT THE END OF EVERYDAY. DO SOMETHING SPECIAL EVERYDAY TO COMMUNICATE AFFECTION AND APPRECIATION. KEEP TRACK OF HOW WELL YOU ARE CONNECTED EMOTIONALLY WITH EACH OTHER.
• Positive interaction-  in a study done, it showed that couples who were more stable in their marriages had a ration of 5-1 positive versus negative interactions with each other. (positive interactions being a kiss when they see each other after work, a negative one  being arguing over the bank account.) The better the ration of positivity to negativity, the better the marriage. President Gordon B. Hinckley said "... When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles. 
• Accepting Influences from One's Spouse- This refers to counseling with and listening to one's spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one's own and compromising when making decisions together. Gottman stresses the importance for men to take advice and into consideration the things their wives or partners council. Women are used to getting advice from men. Men are the ones who need to work on this more. 
• Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems- "Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage." Some of the most common areas where couples have problems are: children and money. One key aspect to dealing with arguments is to PREVENT them. More include making and accepting repair attempts; soothing one's self and each other and reaching a consensus.
• Continue Courtship through the Years- Couples gradually drift apart because they lack infusion of bonding and intimacy. They become victims of the "cold gravy syndrome." So what should we do?                                                                                                                       -continue to court, -attend to the little things, -be intentional about doing things ever day to enrich the marriage, -spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening your relationship.