Adoption

"We must work tirelessly to make sure that every boy and girl in America who is up for adoption has a family waiting to reach him or her… This is a season of miracles, and perhaps there is no greater miracle than finding a loving home for a child who needs one." Bill Clinton

 "Having been adopted, I really have a strong sense-a necessity almost-for stability. A foundation where my family is concerned. [Success] would be meaningless without anyone to share it with." Faith Hill

 "Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It's something quite magical,” Nicole Kidman

When we think of adoption we think of the beautiful part of adoption we think of the families that are opening up their homes and their hearts to these innocent children of Heavenly Father. We think of the lives that are being blessed as the children find themselves in the families that are now there's as well. But sometimes we don't really think of the other side of adoption, of the "giver" if you will. in 2003 there were about 1.4 million children born to unmarried women in the US which accounts for 1/3 of the total births. In 2007 40% of children were born to unmarried women.

Options:

• Abortion- terminating the child's life. Any easy way out of any potential problems the unmarried parents may face.
• Keeping and rearing the baby- giving the baby up for adoption is becoming more more rare in our society. more women are keeping the babies or aborting rather then putting them up for adoption.
  • one reason for such behavior is due to the parents of the child still being romanticly envolved when the baby is born.
  • another reason could be that becoming a single parent is more
  •  acceptable and it is easier to get financial help nowadays.   
  • They have more support from families and society with government assistance.
  LDS Family Services has many options and ways it can assist any individual wanting to keep the child or place it for adoption.
• if you want information on interracial adoptions you can click here Transracial Adoptions     

 

When Families aren't Perefect.....

 
















This post is going to talk about some social problems we face as a society. I know that these topics are sensitive to all of us but I think it is really important to be educated and to teach them because they affect us all in one way or another. 

ABUSE:
What is Abuse? 
Abuse consists of actions or attitudes that are intended to hurt or control. "Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual or spiritual mistreatment of others. It may not only harm the body but it can deeply affect the mind and the spirit destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt and fear" (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)
 Definitions:

• Child Maltreatment- encompasses child neglect and child abuse in their various forms.

 Statistics:

• wouldwive, younger children tend to be more vulnerable to physical abuse, and pubescent and adolescents are at relatively higher risk of being sexually abused.
• in the US over a 1 year period, 1 in 7 kids between ages of 2 and 17 were victims of maltreatment.
• parents and adult caregivers are responsible for child maltreatment in 80% of the cases. 

Risk factors:

• Poverty is positively related to child neglect but not abuse.
• poor child-parent relationship.
• low parent envolvment.
• low parental warmth.
• authoritarian parenting style
• single parenthood
• poor marital quality.
• dissatisfaction with the child.
• unrealistic expectations.
• stress.
• low impluse control
• those who have witnessed or been abused themselves are more likely to become the abuser later on, they are more likely to have violence in their relationships as adults.

Physical Abuse:
"With regards to physical abuse in the United States, research suggest that at least three fourths of parents have used some form of physical discipline at some point in theri parenting (such as spanking), and more than half have used tactics such as hitting with fists, striking children with sticks or belts, kicking, pushing or even throwing children." (Barnett et al, 2011) 
 
   I just want to talk a little about spanking. Spankig has been used for a very long time in parenting, Frequent, reflexive and thoughtless becomes less effective over time. Spanking will teach child what NOT to do but it won't teach child WHAT to do.
Children who are punished physically versus those who aren't are more likely to fight other children, use aggression to solve problems and to bully.  
Child psychological Abuse:
"..psychological abuse can be more harmful than physical abuse....at it's heart is a repeated pattern of demeaning, devaluing and conveying to a person that he or she is unlovable, worthless, or unwanted."    

I know feel like I need to talk about another major social problem, DIVORCE

• Research shows that 40 to 50 percent of first marriages and about 60 percent of remarriages are ending up in divorce. 
• those who suffer most are the children . "Children who experience their parents divorce are less likely to graduate from high school, go to college or graduate from college once they  start. they are twice as likely to doubt their parents religious beliefs and less likely to attend church services. They are at greater risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy. They are more likely to experience a divorce when they marry."

• Spiritual advice on divorce
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The Power of United Families

As a Father, a Mother, a husband, a wife it is our responsibility to love and car for our children and each other. Sometimes when we think of family life we think of the following:

It's possible that we think of those things that we do everyday that make up our life, dirty dippers, running kids around town, planning birthday parties, going to PTA meetings, spit up on your shirt and all the wonders of family life. Literature critic Gary Saul Morson said the following "Grand drama and ecstatic moments do not make a life good. life is an everyday affair and the sum total of unremarkable, daily happenings defines it's quality... Many can preform heroic actions in the sight of all, but few possess the courage to do small things right without recognition."  Many times motherhood is looked down in society because it is not considered an achievement, any one can do it and therefore it's not as worthy of recognition. But I think to myself, how many heroic things have mothers done daily for their children that don't go notice, they don't make head lines, nor do they get a gold medal. There must be a reason why the FAMILY is the most important unit in society. 

 It has been proven that family work reveals a profound potential to strengthen and heal relationships "preforming mundane yet essential tasks for those who cannot do so for themselves (children) can create in the absence of pride, a precious connection between giver and receiver. As we figuratively touch each other at the simple level of everyday need, routine acts of service begin to mend feelings and foster unity. 

Service brings a feeling of peace and love for those who we serve, even when that service is to those closes to us. There is something about recalling all those special memories that were created as the family was working together, whether it is putting the Christmas Tree up, or working on the yard. Perhaps the family has taken on a project in the home. When you work together you learn to work with each other around and with their disabilities and strengths.

Family work was once a Norm- before the industrial revolution, families would labor together in the home which was a farm. The sons would usually work with the father outside while the daughters and mother would work inside, doing tasks like laundry, cleaning, canning food from the garden and so on. All this work would cause families to grow closer as the spent so much time together. The Industrial Revolution caused families to spend less time together, children were sent to government facilities to acquire an education, while fathers went to work in the factories.

The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints firmly believes in the power of families. The purpose for being on this earth is so that we could establish families of our own. It is within the family that we learn to develop patience, love, respect, understanding and above all charity.

"Mommy can I talk to God?

From the very beginning of time religion has been part of our society, it has been all over the world, counties have gone to war over religion. Here in the United States, there are many many religions, you step outside and see a church almost in every corner. Many Americans are religious, but why is religion so important and how does it affect the family, does it even affect family relationships?

Faith in Family Life

What does Faith mean? 
According to Joseph Smith faith is defined as "not only a belief but as a the principle of action in all intelligent beings."
There are many benefits that come with being actively religious

• religious affiliaction reduces the odds of marital infidelity as compared to those who aren't religious.

• in a study conducted with married couples, those who reported to have high religious importance but low church attendance were reported to have higher risk of marital infidelity.
          As we can see there is a strong correlation with church attendance and infidelity. I believe that this has to do in part with when we attend church we are reminded of the things that we should be doing and what we shouldn't. We hear sermons, lectures, testimonies and what not. This tends to keep us on track because if we were to be tempted to be unfaithful then our conscious would not leave us alone. It's one thing to say that you believe but it's another to actually show your belief, though church attendance and through your words and deeds. 
• being religious also has an impact on avoiding pornography, violence & conflict.Greater Church attendance reduces the rate of pornography use. another interesting finding involved those men who attend church more frequently than their wife our partner. When spouses each go to a different church, it increases domestic violence and marital failure.
  • time and time again I have see many families torn due to different religious practices within the home. The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints councils it's members to marry those within the same faith, for many reasons one being this exact finding, it is much harder to live in a happily marriage when the same religion isn't practiced by both parents, the conflict of which religion will we raise the kids in also comes up.
  "high levels of religious involvement - when dissimilar or unshared may contribute to instability and volatility instead of marital satisfaction, stability and durability.
• now lets shift to a different aspect of religion and mothers. Findings have shown that religious women are more likely to have children. It seems that the the importance religion places on a women's life shapes her desire for having children.
• religion influences important family decisions like, marriage, children, when to marry, what to look for in a spouse. 
• communities also benefit from women who are religious as they tend to have families which in turn help communities grow and succeed

• Men and religion tend to mix very well. There are many things that men do or don't do when they are religious. The more religious they are they tend to 
  • remain sexually chaste before marriage and faithful after marriage.
  • are and remain commited to marriage and children during difficult times, not giving into divorce.
  • highly involved in the lives of their children and their wife and they parent with more love.
  • remain involved with their children when challenges come along.
  • avoid practices that will harm the family, such as addictions, violence, infidelity and so on.
   

• prayers have also show to help strength marriage, especially when the couples pray together.

 Religion seems to bring something into the family and the marriage that you can't find anywhere else. As both the wife and husband strive to worship together and to attend church together the family will be much more united. They will feel a sense of peace, a sense of belonging but most of all a sense of purpose in life. 

 

"I spank you because I love you, I love you that's why I spank you"

Parenting has been one of the most controversial topics in our nation, the lack of parenting in our society has caused it to become a social problem.

I believe that true parenting comes from the heart. There is no book that will tell you how much doses of love you are to give to children depending on their age, behavior, cognitive development or economic status.

As Latter-day Saints we believe that "All people who come to this earth and are born in mortality had a pre-exisitng, spiritual personality as the sons and daughters of the Eternal Father." (Joseph F. Smith)

Beyond Spiritual personality influences, a growing body of evidence suggest that biological characteristics play a role in children's disposition and temperaments in ways that interact wiht environmental influences.

Rearing Children in love and Righteousness

• Righteous parenting- charity, gentleness, kindness, long-suffering, persuasion and appropriate discipline in a warm and nurturing relationship.

Parenting Styles:

• Coercive parenting- parents deride, demean, and diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down or mocking them, even holding power over them. the home environment is hostile, it is often a place where frequent spanking, yelling, criticizing and forcing occurs. this is linked to  being anti-social, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors. these children have known that through hitting and physical harm you get the actions you desire, they most frequently will become abusive parents and husbands.
• permissive parenting- parents over-indulge their children, they neglect them by leaving them to their own devices. Children are considered equal to parents in their rights but not in terms of responsibility. these parents tend to avoid using their authority to control the behavior of their children. They give their children to much liberty without helping them or giving them advice. They keep at low, demands, responsabilities  and restrictions. They don't establish patterns of meal times, bedtimes, play and homework times. it has been shown that these children will have a difficult time respecting others, coping with dificulties. They have lower rates of depression, and anxiety as compared with coercive parents but they tend to do lower academically. 
• Authoritative parenting- THIS IS THE BEST TYPE OF PARENTING. They try to establish limits with the children but also provide much love. they do place restrictions on their children's actions to teach them responsability. They look for every opportunity to teach their children. The foster a positive emotional connection with each of their children. These children do better in school, they are less aggressive, less likely to engage in premarital relations, drugs and alcohol. They are more self controlled. 
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Marriage Preparation

So after learning about family and it's importance to our Heavenly Father and after discussing the benefits of marriage vs cohabitation not only for society but for the individual as well.

So the question is this... How do we prepare for marriage and why is it important to prepare for marriage?

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that through the right authority in the proper place (temple) we can be married not just until death do you part but for eternity. Because of this, our families can be "Perpetuated beyond the grave."

Even though the divorce rate keeps rising, doesn't mean that our decision to take the next step with that special someone is wrong. there might be fears about not finding the right one or feelings of inadequacy  but one important thing to remember is this when you have faith you don't fear, but if you fear then you must not have faith. You must have faith even in marriage and in yourself.

I've always heard that we must not worry about marrying the right person, we must worry about becoming the right person.

The following comes from the talk, Becoming a Quality Person Now by Marvin J. Ashton
As you strive to become a quality person, commune daily with your Heavenly Father who knows you best of all. He knows your talents, your strengths, and your weaknesses. You are here on the earth at this time to develop and refine these characteristics. I promise you He will help you. He is aware of your needs.

• The right person for you to marry is someone from whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.
• qualities besides good looks a potential spouse should have: kindly understanding, forgiving of others, willing to give of self, willing to have a family and to teach them in the home correct principles. (with these qualities, it is important to not only demand them of the other person but we should depend them of ourselves. we tend to attract those who are more like us, if we develop and practice these qualities then we will most likely attract those with the same qualities.

Here are some red flags of immature love. We must all be aware of these characteristics so that we don't fall into a relationship that could potentially hurt and disappoint us.

Aspects of Love	Immature Love	Mature Love
Emotional part of Love	Possessive Jealousy Infatuation Preoccupation Anxiety	Lasting Passion Desire for Companionship Warm Feeling of Contentment
Belief part of Love	“Love is Bling” “Love is external to us” “Cupid’s arrow” Love is beyond our control	Love is something you have to decide. Love means commitment, Trust, Sharing, Sacrifice
Behavior Part of love	Selfish Lustful  Concern only for satisfying own needs Clinging Over-dependent Demanding obedience from partner	Creates an environment of growth and development. Allows Partner space for growth.

Dating vs Hanging out:

Knowledgeable observers report that dating has nearly disappeared from college campuses and among young adults generally. It has been replaced by something called “hanging out.” ³ You young people apparently know what this is, but I will describe it for the benefit of those of us who are middle-aged or older and otherwise uninformed. Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating.

For the benefit of some of you who are not middle-aged or older, I also may need to describe what dating is. Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.

 

According to Dallin H Oaks the following are contributing to the extinction of DATING in our society.

1. The cultural ties in our world run strongly agains commitments in family relationships. Our society is making it easier for marriages to end, having children is less common and when it does happen less children are being born. Dating on the contrary comes with commitment, even if it's just a couple of hours or however long the date last. Hanging out allows that pressure to be gone, there is no commitment in hanging out, you are only responsible for your well-being and your enjoyment.
2. The women's movement has also discouraged dating. Women are putting themselves, their careers, their lives before that of marriage and family life.
3. Hanging out is often sold on t.v as something glamorous and something everyone should desire, "the NYC lifestyle" is one of parties and social gatherings, it's a commitment free lifestyle (at least when it comes to romance and dating.)
4. The meaning of a date has also changed. So much that now men believe that dates should be expensive, impressive and out of this world. For those young me who don't have the means of such luxuries, they believe their simple, but yet well thought out dates are meaningless and no one would give them a chance. 

(Dating Versus Hanging out, Oaks) 

The Case for Marriage

'....and they lived Happily Ever After"

Have you ever noticed that most Disney stories end with the prince and princess getting married and THEN living happily together? They never just live it at them moving in together and living happily ever after, they get married FIRST. 

So my question to you dear reader is this: Why should we get married? 

Dennis Prager put on a wonderful seminar at prageruniversity.com watch this and then we can discuss it.

In it he talked about there being many reasons why we should marry one very important one being the maturity that comes out of it. Sure sure you are probably thinking well I'm mature thank you very much but in reality there are different degrees of maturity, one will never be as mature as the one who has the responsibility of providing for the family, being faithful to your wife, providing for the emotional well being of your children and your wife, the responsibility that comes with teaching as a parent and supporting your wife in the things that she like to do and vice versa.

He then mentions the desire we all have to want to send our lives with someone or a serious of someones. The deepest relationship is that of a Husband and Wife.

It's just a piece of paper....?! If it's just a piece of paper then why don't you sign it? Because there is a very big difference between the words boyfriend-husband/girlfriend-wife. Lets face it when you deiced to marry, it is a full time responsibility. but SOCIETY needs marriage.

There are two main reasons why Marriage is so important, not only to society and our families but to Heavenly Father.

1- Men and Women complement each other- we need each other to progress not only in this life but to make it to the next.

2- Men and Women are to have children. It is only though the union of a man and of a woman that children can come into this world the way Heavenly Father has commanded. See Here  

Now here are some statistics about how marriage benefits us not only in a religious way but in a more physical and emotional manner as well. 

• married adults are clearly more healthy than there non-married counterparts.
• a man or woman's married status at 48 strongly predicts if they will live to age 65, with those not married more likely to die prematurely.
• a stable marriage corresponds with with happiness, health, prosperity, and the well-being of posterity and communities. 
• married people also recover better from illness and surgery.
• statistics show that married people are generally happier, with greater life satisfaction, lover risk for depression and greater economic stability which all contribute to better mental health.

(Successful Marriage and Families, p71)

Now I would like to talk about foundational processes for an enduring marriage (Hawkins, ch 3)

• Love and Marriage-  we must not assume that our spouse know that we love them. We must always show them and tell them how much we love them and how much they mean to us. When you truly love some one it takes more than a feeling, it takes agency and personal choice, you have to choose to love them regardless of their imperfections. C.S Lewis taught "Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have this love for each other even at theses moments when they do not like each other... It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. Lynn G. Robbins also mentioned "...make the conciseness decision that we will love...each other... that we will build, not "fall into," strong, loving marriages and families.

          Happy marriages are based in a deep friendship... a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company.(Gottman and Silver) when a relationship begins with friendship and then moves to romance followed by marriage, that marriage will be enduring and an eternal friendship. 

I once heard a quote, I'm not sure by who but it said " You don't marry him because your love him, You marry him because he is your best friend."

• Nurturing Love and Friendship- It is our unselfish duty to find our how our partner likes to receive love and then do so. Have you ever heard about the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES? This is basically what they five love languages are: Words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Learn more at 5lovelanguages. Gottman and Silver us as couples to have love maps. "A love map is like a mental notebook where we collect personal information about our spouse that we want to remember. This notebook includes the spouse's dreams, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations and worries. Talk as Friends-  It's important to talk with your partner about something other than the children and issues in your life. Make sure to make it a priority to spend time talking about each other's interest, look them in the eye, show them that you are really interested in what they have to say. Set goals for couple interaction-  MAKE SURE TO RESPOND TO BIDS FOR ATTENTION, AFFECTION AND HUMOR OR SUPPORT. MAKE AN EFFORT TO DO EVERYDAY ACTIVITIES TOGETHER. HAVE STRESS-REDUCING CONVERSATIONS AT THE END OF EVERYDAY. DO SOMETHING SPECIAL EVERYDAY TO COMMUNICATE AFFECTION AND APPRECIATION. KEEP TRACK OF HOW WELL YOU ARE CONNECTED EMOTIONALLY WITH EACH OTHER.
• Positive interaction-  in a study done, it showed that couples who were more stable in their marriages had a ration of 5-1 positive versus negative interactions with each other. (positive interactions being a kiss when they see each other after work, a negative one  being arguing over the bank account.) The better the ration of positivity to negativity, the better the marriage. President Gordon B. Hinckley said "... When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles. 
• Accepting Influences from One's Spouse- This refers to counseling with and listening to one's spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one's own and compromising when making decisions together. Gottman stresses the importance for men to take advice and into consideration the things their wives or partners council. Women are used to getting advice from men. Men are the ones who need to work on this more. 
• Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems- "Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage." Some of the most common areas where couples have problems are: children and money. One key aspect to dealing with arguments is to PREVENT them. More include making and accepting repair attempts; soothing one's self and each other and reaching a consensus.
• Continue Courtship through the Years- Couples gradually drift apart because they lack infusion of bonding and intimacy. They become victims of the "cold gravy syndrome." So what should we do?                                                                                                                       -continue to court, -attend to the little things, -be intentional about doing things ever day to enrich the marriage, -spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening your relationship.